I’m in Spain at the moment, and I have ONE WEEK before I go to face my destiny… My pain is immense, the burden is heavy. I already regret the pain and hurt that these next few weeks will bring to the most important people in my life, but pray that they understand why I didn’t tell them sooner.
My family are amazing. I’ll tell you about them in another story, but trust me, they are awesome. The problem is, I have always been the eleven year old that just had to protect them. I was not a bad kid. By most people’s standards my parents had it quite easy up to the age of 11, with me that is, not with life in general! It all changed then though. (This is of course my recollection of being pre-teen, their opinions may vary significantly, but I will let them tell that story, if we get through this)
My CV to date…. Ruby, aged 11 ¾
I was a Brownie Guide, then a Girl Guide, then a Ranger and St Johns Ambulance Cadet at the same time, then a Venture Scout. I was also a veteran of 7 whole years of Sunday School, where I eventually gained promotion to ‘Sunday School Teacher’. I think they just enjoyed having someone else read the kids a story for a while, but I loved it. The thing is, that social life, coupled with the having parents with such high morals, good manners, and humanitarian hearts, to cause the pain of anyone I loved seemed so wrong and opposite to what I had learned thus far. Thing is, at 11, there isn’t much real life experience to go by, so you do what you gotta do, and for me, at that time, it was to avoid causing pain to my family. That was it.
That in itself was a terrible burden. You should hear some of the stunts that I pulled whilst growing up, where my parents just didn’t understand where they had gone wrong, and would wring their hands in frustration with me. I get it now. I’m a mum myself, so now things are not so back and white. I am learning to see grey. I must also point out that they DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG!!!
As my tale unravels, you will see how I have dealt with many emotions as that of an eleven year old. She will always be there, I love her. She is pretty awesome actually, just a little bit messed up. OK, let’s start as we mean to go on, honestly, she is totally messed up, but I have to learn how to be a grown up. For that, I have the help of my friends and hopefully my family also. We will find out soon enough won’t we? I don’t doubt their love for a moment, but my fear is that the pain will be too much, that their lives will be irreversibly damaged, and that would be my greatest fear come to pass.