Chapter 21 : Procrastination
Of all the things in the entire world that I could be good at, why does it have to be procrastination?
It hasn’t always been this way, I have been totally organised at certain points in my life. When I work, I work well. I am organised beyond normal necessities, I keep notes about my notes, and lists of the like you have never seen before. I still make lists, and I have even been known to make lists of the lists that I need to make, i.e. shopping list, paperwork list, cleaning schedule, daily chores etc.. You get the picture.
The less I do, the less I want to do, the less I want to do, the less I do. I feel like my brain is slowly stopping, and I can’t do anything about it. When depression comes, every time, there is a steady decline in the ability to conceive of doing anything that requires physical or mental assertion.
Each day, everything seems to be so difficult. My mum tries to engage me, to encourage me to take part in some small activity; a walk around the street, a trip to the shop, anything, but my heart sinks. I really don’t have the energy, I feel exhausted, but then I also feel guilt. I have started to feel that I am becoming tiresome, that patience is wearing thin. My mum seems especially emotional, and I know that she is worried about my wellbeing.
I am ok, as in that I have no intention of doing anything that would harm myself, but I just want to hide away, just for a while, just to have time to process everything that is going on. I should be happy, but I am in limbo.
My procrastination is the reason that there has been such a gap in my stories. I didn’t go anywhere, I thought all the time about how I really should write something. I made a commitment to write my story. This commitment was to my family, my friends and me. I can live with letting myself down, but not everyone else, so that was the motivation that I needed to finally sit back at my keyboard and continue with my story.
Thank you for your patience. Everyone.
I will share more of these pieces of information over the coming weeks.