Chapter 4 : First Things First
How did I get here? This particular pivotal point, well there are a number of reasons.
Firstly, I had a bit of a break down recently. For over twenty years I have lived and managed Clinical Depression. I know the signs, and over the years I have learnt to ask myself the right questions, and trust the doctor. If you build a good relationship with your doctor, you can manage depression successfully. You take a low dose of anti-depressant for a while, and then come off, and all good to go after just a few months. They are a very hard few months though. Now for me, the earlier I catch it, the quicker I recover. This time, I missed all the signs. I was in a controlling relationship, it filled me with anxiety. Anxiety and depression have always gone hand in hand with me. My nerves are like glass! When I eventually realised that I couldn’t live with him, I left, but i left it a little too late.
I didn’t really think things through, I was enraged!!!
As I drove away, I stopped at the side of the road and emotionally broke down. I realised that I was now jobless, (that’s a whole different story), homeless, and my relationship had gone. The person who had been by my side, 24/7 was gone. (Literally, not figuratively! 24/7) Again, another story.
He had crossed the line, and to stay one more night would have lost me my last shred of self-respect. During a row, he screamed in my face that he was going to text my Brother, and tell him that I had been raped!!!!!! WTF! Who would say such a thing? It’s not even true! It wasn’t rape. It was most certainly sexual assault(s) of a minor. I won’t go in to that too much, as until I have told my family, I would prefer to wait. I also plan on reporting him to the police, but that doesn’t fill me with as much dread as telling my family. But not rape. Now you may wonder why the distinction here is important. You would have to meet my brother to understand, but to tell him ‘that’ would shatter him. What we will tell him as a family will have to be dealt with carefully, and worded well in order to help my brother process this. I will tell you all about him when I tell you about my folks. He is totally adorable.
We are from a small community, a very close community, and this has been another of the reasons that I have not spoken up sooner. I have always felt that if I said something, I would be the one causing the pain to all of these people, this parish, this community, but at rock bottom, I realised that it wasn’t me doing it, it was him! Twat Face, it was his fault, not mine. My family deserved the right to know, to not engage him with their hospitality, (despite my pleading with him over the years to not involve himself in their lives). I needed my family, I was broken.
To put your minds at ease, I did not start to live in my car, but I will get to that….
My parents said that I could come home if I wanted to, but I said no initially, said everything was fine (still protecting them. After all, how can I tell them why I’m such a mess, without telling them about my ill health, and then the reason for my ill health, and all the other secrets that I’ve kept throughout my life in a bid to protect them!), My friends suggested I did go and have a break with my family, after all, what was stopping me? I had no home, no income (apart from a small pension, again, another story), why didn’t I go?
They all know my parents, they love them, seriously, they are so nice, I think they have a little ‘care bear’ DNA, so why?
Well, as with every other time that I have suffered from depression and wanted to go home, I haven’t been able too, due to one of the biggest causes of my anxiety being only a few doors away. I couldn’t go home, again, because of him, and at that moment, I hated him more than I have ever hated anyone before. The friend that I am staying with, Penelope somehow managed to get me to admit, that unless I got justice, I would never be able to move on. I’ll tell you all about all of my friends soon, but although people have tried for over 20 years to get me to come clean, she was the only one that managed it. She is admittedly extremely manipulative though, thank God on this occasion!!!! Don’t get me wrong, no one else did anything wrong, I have had support from the kindest of friends, but this seemed like the right time.
I don’t feel like the universe is going to change its mind either. Every big life changing event that has ever happened in my life has happened due to ‘coincidental’ incidents happening around me. That is many other stories…